Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
