I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
