Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
