Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
