my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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