it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
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