I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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