there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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