I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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