he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
