Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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