Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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