Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
