I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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