I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
