I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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