I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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