She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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