1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
