I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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