hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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