so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
