pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
