6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
