someone threw a dead crab at me
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
