When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize