It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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