i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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