oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
