How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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