wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
