Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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