Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
