I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
