i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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