This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
