its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
