We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
