I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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