She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
