The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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