my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
