I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
