Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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