I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
