I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
