nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
