i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i love accidental penises.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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