This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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