I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
All the doctor said was why
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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