I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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