Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
