I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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