Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
