In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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