I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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