No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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