Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
